


If Night Falls in Your Heart

by WithTheKeyIsKing



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Confessions, Depressing, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Good Brother Jason Todd, Good Brother Tim Drake, Hurt Dick Grayson, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Bruce Wayne, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self-Victim Blaming, Self-blaming, Truth Serum, the fam learns what happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 00:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19096132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithTheKeyIsKing/pseuds/WithTheKeyIsKing
Summary: Dick never knew how to tell his family about what Tarantula and Mirage did to him, so he simply didn't.That solution works, until it doesn't.





	If Night Falls in Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Start a Riot_ by Banners
> 
> Wrote this yesterday when I was going through a thing, and this helped me work through it. Hope you like it <3

They all get nightmares, with the lives they lead, so no one questions it when Dick's pick up a little.

It's not like he doesn't have experience keeping them quiet, anyway, so the nights when things get really terrible

 _(the nights where he can barely_ breathe _under the horrifying weight of what happened, where dreams hit him that make him want to take a burning shower and never step out, where he has to stifle his screams by biting his pillow)_

he's able to manage it, dragging himself out of bed because he knows he won't be getting any more sleep, down to the kitchen to eat something he knows he'll end up throwing up anyway.

More often than not, another of his family will be in the kitchen, too. Whether they were there before him or arrive after, he always knows he's not the only one suffering from nightmares.

Just because these days his are every night doesn't mean anything.

Because he'll get over this. He got over what Mirage did. He can get over Tarantula. He can. He will.

 _(He ignores the part of his mind that whispers that he never really got over what Miriam did to him. He ignores the part of him that wonders if he'll_ ever _get over it, ever get over Catalina, or if he's just broken forever.)_

It's two in the morning when he shuffles his way downstairs and into the kitchen, going through the motions of making hot cocoa. It's three in the morning when Jason appears, eyes squinted with sleep, and accepts a mug of hot chocolate with a quiet grunt of thanks, sitting down across from Dick.

Neither of them say anythingthey don't need to, nor do they want to. They're both caught up in their own nightmares, their own demons.

Dick doesn't even know what he  _would_ say, if Jason asked him to talk about it. It's been nine years since Mirage, six weeks since Tarantula. Dick's never quite figured out how to say the words, how to tell his family what happened, so he never has. If Jason asks him right now what his nightmare was about...Dick's pretty sure he'd lie.

He doesn't know why. Or maybe he does, and doesn't want to acknowledge it. He tries not to think about it, really.

"I need booze," Jason says after a long while, glaring down at the mug in his hands like it personally offended him.

"It's-" Dick glances at the clock on the microwave, "-almost five in the morning, Jay."

"You say that like it's supposed to change my mind," Jason mutters, then shoots him a tired grin and gets to his feet. "Alright, I'm gonna try to pass out for a few hours before I have to face the world. You goin' back to bed, Goldie?"

"Of course," Dick lies. "I'm right behind you."

Jason nods, waves absently, and leaves.

Dick sits there for another hour, then heads upstairs to take a shower and head to the cave to train a little. He only got about an hour of sleep after patrol, but that doesn't matter. He's survived on less before. Many times in the past six weeks.

_(Many times nine years ago.)_

A few hours later, around nine, Tim wanders into the cave, cup of coffee clasped tightly in his hands, and frowns at Dick over on the treadmill. Dick's been on it for about an hour and a half now. There's probably some symbolism in there about running from his problems, but whatever. It's not like he's a psychologist.

"How long have you been here?" Tim asks in confusion, glancing around. His confusion is understandable; Dick's always been a fan of sleeping in, and nine in the morning would normally be him lying in bed and wishing to pass right back out.

"Not long," Dick says dismissively, and slows the treadmill down so he can step off. "Just woke up, thought I'd come down here. I'm gonna go take a shower."

Tim nods vaguely and heads over to the computer, calling out a goodbye.

At the bottom of the stairs, he pauses. He could tell Tim. He could say that he's actually been in the cave for hours, trying to escape his demons. He could say he passed out around one and woke up at two and hasn't been back to sleep. He could say he's hurting  _(again)_ and breaking  _(again)_ and Tim would listen, would try to help. Jason would. Alfred, Barbara, Wally. Even Bruce and Damian could be persuaded to talk about feelings from time to time.

Dick stops pausing. He heads back up the stairs to take another shower. He can never get enough showers these days.

* * *

The day passes like any other, because none of them notice Dick's not okay.

 _(Dick works very hard to make sure they_ don't _notice.)_

He's living back in the manor right now, instead of Bludhaven. Bruce hadn't asked why he needed to get away, and Dick had been too afraid to ask if he already knew.

 _(About_ any _of it. Does he know I let Blockbuster be killed? Does he know what I let Catalinano, what Tarantula did_ to _me afterwards? Would it be better or worse if the answer to those questions is_ yes?)

Being back home means he gets to see his family more often, which is really nice. He might not talk to them about anything important, but doing things as simple as carrying an asleep Damian up to bed brings him comfort like living alone can never do, especially these days.

That night passes like any other, too, with patrol going smoothly and nightmares barring Dick from more than a couple hours' rest.

The next day, and the next night, and the next day, and on and on and on. He mastered being okay even when not okay a long time ago, and he's not going to start being bad at it now.

Besides, Tim has something going on with him and needs Dick's support. And then Jason is struggling with something and Dick can't  _not_ help him. And then Damian and Bruce are having some kind of fight and they need him to play mediator.

There's no time for Dick to be anything other than okay. There never has been.

 _(If he actually asked his family, Dick would discover that there is_ always _time for him to not be okay, if he needs it. That he doesn't have to do this alone. That they'd gladly be there for him as often as he's there for them. He won't ask, of course. He's too convinced that he has to carry his burdens alone to really entertain the idea that maybe his trauma is just as valid as everyone else's.)_

Another day pretending to be okay, another night of nightmares, another day of blaming himself for his problems, another night of his dreams telling him it's always been his fault.

He should've known Mirage wasn't Starfire. He should've been strong enough to stop Tarantula. His failures led to his pains, simple as that. He'd been weak, and they'd taken advantage. He had no one to blame but himself.

Another day. Another night. Dick gets through it. He always does.

Another day, another night, and this villain of the week decides to break out some  _fucking truth serum._

No one in their right mind likes truth serum, whether or not you have something to hide. It simply puts you in too vulnerable a state of mind to be comfortable, like there's an anxious itch under your skin, nervous about what you're going to say.

And that's when you're  _not_ a masked vigilante with quite a lot of secrets you'd rather keep hidden. When you  _are_ one, it's a thousand fucking times worse.

"It's not so bad," the villain coos at them from the TV screen, ignoring the way Dick and his family are searching for a way out of the room they've been sealed in. "Just a few questions and then you're home free!"

"I want to shoot him in the fucking mouth," Jason mutters. "He talks too much, and I'm really sick and tired of the bad guys monologuing."

"Looks like the serum's working!" the villain says in delight, grinning.

Dick thinks his name has something to do with a plant, or something. He's been a little preoccupied and maybe not paying attention to the specifics. For the purpose of not being confused, he'll call him Dave.

"Nope," Tim scowls, scanning the wall in front of him for its composition, "that's just how Red Hood talks."

"You're not getting out of there without my permission," Dave chuckles, shaking his head in amusement.

"And what would get us  _your permission?"_ Jason sneers, glaring daggers at the TV screen that shows the villain. Dick's not sure where the real version of the guy is, but if he's even slightly smart, it's far,  _far_ away.

"Twenty questions!" Dave cheers. Then he considers. "Well, maybe not  _precisely_ twenty, but you get the picture. I'll ask questions and you'll answer _honestly,_ of course, considering the truth serum gas I just pumped your room withand then I'll let you go!"

As if sensing the outrage about to be directed his way by the four heroes currently trapped, Dave rushes to say, "Oh, don't worry! I'm not gonna ask your real names, or anything, I'm just _curious_ about a few things! I pinky swear I won't make you give up anything big."

He raises his pinky in the air then, as if demonstrating his sincerity, and Dick can't help but believe that this guy 100% belongs in Arkham, not a regular prison.

"Then ask your questions," Tim grits, "and let us go."

"Excellent!" Dave beams, clearly happy to have their agreement, and then looks to Bruce. "What made you want to become Batman?"

Dick can't help but roll his eyes, and he hears Jason mutter an  _"Oh my god."_ It feels ridiculous that they're being held captive over a few unimportant curiosities.

"My parents were killed and I wanted to help the people of Gotham," Bruce deadpans, the least possible amount of information needed to answer the question. Bruce is probably old hat at this, good at choosing his words carefully while still giving into the  _pull_ of the truth serum. It's impressive. It's also irritating, because Dick doesn't think he can do that.

And that's  _terrifying._

Dave actually looks devastated by this answer, and says, "I'm so sorry to hear that!" He sounds sincere, like he's actually mourning Batman's parents. His level of crazy goes up in Dick's brain.

The criminal turns his attention to Tim, who tenses slightly in an automatic response. "Red Robinwhat's one of your best memories as a vigilante?"

Tim frowns, confused by the simplicity of the question, and then says, "About six months ago, there was a big fight we were all in. It was exhausting and hard, and after it was over all of us went home and though we were all tired as we'd ever been, we stayed up for hours just talking and relaxing around each other."

Dick remembers that night. It's one of his favorite memories, too; it's rare that his whole family is in one place at one time and all completely at peace, and it was great. Even Bruce had stuck around with them that night.

"Who's 'we'?" Dave asks, a dreamy smile on his face.

"Me, Batman, Nightwing, Red Hood, Robin, and Penny-One," Tim replies. "It was a good night."

"That's great!" Dave says enthusiastically. "Look at you all, a  _family._ I love that!"

They all glance at each other, sharing a look of  _Wow he's crazy._

Dave looks to Dick next, and his stomach flutters with anxiety. "Nightwing! What is your  _worst_ memory as a vigilante?"

There's no debate about what the answer to this question is in Dick's mind, and the wordspropelled by the truth serumbegin to bubble up his throat almost before he can clamp them down.

He can't answer that questionhe  _won't._ They can't know what he did, what he let Tarantula do. They can't know about Mirage.

The act of suppressing the answer is starting to hurt. The pain starts at his temples and then radiates to the rest of his head, making him grimace and pull in a slow breath through his nose. His family have turned to him now, concern and confusion clear.

"Oh, no, Nighty Wingy, don't fight it!" Dave tells him, voice thick with concern. "That'll just cause you pain, you  _know_ this! Just be a dear and answer the question, save yourself the pain."

 _The pain of saying it will be so much worse,_ Dick thinks, but can't open his mouth to say itif he opens his mouth, the answer will come out. He can't let the answer out.

His stomach churns, his head spins. The pain in his skull amps up and up. His vision is starting to blur.

"Nightwing!" someone says sharply, and Dick jerks as he feels hands on his shoulders, sees Jason standing directly in front of him. "You're going to actually hurt yourself, so answer the fucking question!"

_I can't, I can't, I can't tell you this, you can't know._

"Must be juicy," Dave stage-whispers. Then, like a whiney child, says, "C'mon, Nightwing, spill the beans! What's so bad that you'd rather give yourself a literal aneurism than talk about it?"

"Nightwing." This time, it's Bruce's Batman growl. It's a command.

But he'll be disowned. If Bruce learns about Blockbuster and Tarantula, he'll cast him out. What Dick did is despicable, and Bruce will know that, will know how badly his son fucked up, how Dick isn't worthy of his legacy after what Dick did, after what Dick let others do.

He's weak, and if he tells Bruce and the others about Mirage and Tarantula, they'll all know it.

But  _god,_ this hurts.

"It's okay, Dick," Tim murmurs, far closer than he was before, quiet enough for the villain to not overhear his name. "We've got you. I get that this is hard for you, whatever it is, but you need to speak before the blood coming from your nose gets worse and some actual damage is done."

Is his nose bleeding? Must be, if Tim says so.

 _Fuck,_ he doesn't want to do this. He doesn't want to be proven right. He doesn't want Bruce to look at him with such utter disappointment.

He stumbles past his brothers, putting some space between the others in the room and himself. He presses his forehead against the wall and squeezes his eyes shut, fists braced against the wall.

"Two months ago, a villain called Blockbuster was systematically going after everything important to me," Dick begins, and the words are like a balm on his burning mind, letting the truth serum do its work.

"There was a girl called Tarantula who wanted to be a hero, but she murdered without distinction between people who deserved it and didn't. She worked for Blockbuster against me for a while, and managed to end my relationship with Batgirl, but after Blockbuster blew up my apartment building and all of the innocent people inside, she decided to instead kill Blockbuster. And I..."

Dick takes a shuddering breath. Tears sting his eyes. "I let her do it. I stood to the side and watched her kill him. He'd just...he'd killed so many people, and he wasn't going to stop, and he was going after those I loved, and I just  _stood there_ and let it happen. And then I had a nervous breakdown and was near catatonic and she raped me next to his corpse so I guess that was my karma."

Breathing is easier now, his body no longer screaming at him, but the relief is only momentary. Because now they know.

The room is dead silent, and Dick doesn't open his eyes, doesn't turn around. He doesn't want to see Bruce's disappointment, Jason's disgust, Tim's contempt. He doesn't want to see his family look at him the way he knows they should.

There's a beep and a click, and then Dave murmurs, "I think you lot have earned your freedom."

Dick blinks his eyes open. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see that the door is open. He doesn't hesitatehe rushes for it, running, not stopping even when he hears Bruce call for him. He can't stop. He can't face them. He goes.

* * *

His family knows him well, so Dick doesn't go to any of his normal places, any of the rooftops he tends to frequent when he's upset, the allies he goes to rest in when he needs a breather.

For a moment, Dick considers going home; he wants to get his things so he doesn't have to start fresh, get his things before they can be taken, but he knows the batmobile will get home before he can, and he doesn't want to face them. He knows what Bruce will say, has seen it enough with Jason, and he doesn't want to hear it.

He has stashes of things around the city, anyway, just in case. Paranoia born from fifteen years as a vigilante. It's enough clothes and money and things to make a new start somewhere else. He can do this. He doesn't need their approval or love. He can do this.

It doesn't take Dick long to find his first bolthole, and the duffle bag inside. It's a bit of a relief to have it, but then...

Then he doesn't know what to do.

Where  _does_ he go? What does he do? Hehe did this to himself, he caused all of this, and now he's facing the consequences. He was stupid enough to not know it was Mirage. He was too weak to stop Tarantula. What kind of hero is he?

Karma, indeed.

Dick steps back outside taking a slow breath of cold night air, and then picks a direction. He takes no more than two steps before there's a flash of red and yellow light and suddenly the world is shifting under him, stomach jerking in protest, and the next thing he knows he's in the batcave.

"Thank you, Flash," Bruce says. "Your assistance is appreciated."

"Any time," Barry replies with a sloppy salute and a concerned look towards Dick. "Hope you guys are...okay." Another burst of light, and he's gone.

They actually...they actually called the Flash to capture Dick. Is that how far this has gone? Him leaving isn't good enough, they have to actually tell him how awful he's been? Or maybe this is because Bruce wants to arrest him. He'd deserve it. He deserves all of this.

Dick doesn't look at them. He has enough awareness to know who's in the cave with him; Bruce, Jason, Tim. They haven't told Damian yet, then. That's good. He can't even imagine what his Robin would think of this.

"Dick, look at me," Bruce says quietly.

_I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't see the disappointment. It would break me, Bruce, please don't look ashamed of me. Don't make me see that._

"Just let me go," Dick says, voice barely more than a whisper. "I just...I understand what I did, I know there should be consequences, but please-"

"I already knew about Blockbuster, Dick," Bruce tells him.

Dick's head whips around, eyes wide. Bruce is still dressed as Batman but the cowl is pulled down, revealing his face. He looks sad. Dick doesn't risk a glance at Tim or Jason.

"Youwhat?"

"You tried to turn yourself in for the murder," Bruce says, and he smiles, still sad. "Might not have been in Gotham, but it's very hard to miss Officer Richard Grayson surrendering and confessing to a crime he didn't commit. I read your statement, too. About standing to the side while Flores shot Desmond. And, as I recall, the charges against you were dismissed almost immediately."

"That doesn't mean I'm not guilty," Dick murmurs. "That doesn't mean I don't belong in a prison cell right next to Tarantula."

_Bruce already knows. He's known for over a month, then. After the gang war, when I brought Catalina in to Bludhaven PD. He's known for that long and he...never said anything? Why? Why didn't he cast me out? I broke his rule, the one thing he's always stood by. No killing. But I..._

"You're  _not_ guilty," Jason says firmly, drawing Dick's gaze. His brother isn't wearing his hood anymore, nor the red domino mask that's always underneath. Dick sees that Tim is also sans mask.

"Jay-"

"No," Jason interrupts. "Seriously, manspeaking as someone who has  _actually_ killed people, you aren't guilty of Blockbuster's death. Trust me, I know the fucking difference."

"I let her do it!" Dick protests. "I had time to stop her, I  _could've_ stopped her! But I-"  _was too weak, too broken,_ "-didn't, which makes me just as responsible as she is."

"Do you really think you deserved what she did to you?" Tim asks, and Dick freezes. "What you saidyou said it was karma. That after she killed Blockbuster you had a nervous breakdown and were near catatonic, and she raped you." Dick flinches. "Do you really think you deserved that?"

_I was too weak, I could've stopped her, should've stopped her, too broken, why didn't I do anything, why didn't I-_

"Yes," Dick whispers in response, but he doesn't mean to, and that's when it occurs to him that the truth serum is still in his system. But he can't stop it now. "I deserved Kori breaking up with me after what Mirage did and I wasn't strong enough to stop Catalina from  _any_ of it so of course-"

"Mirage?" Bruce asks. "What did Mirage do?"

Dick stares at him, horrified. No, no, no, this can't be happening. This  _can't be happening._

The pain in his head starts again as he fights against the urge to answer.

 _"Christ,_ Bruce," Jason mutters. "Way to make this worse; he still has no choice but to answer."

Dick moans and drops to his knees, curling in on himself, arms wrapped around his midsection. "Please, no, no, no-" The pain gets worse and worse and he can't take it anymore, he has to speak

"When I was leading the Teen Titans, we encountered someone from the future named Miriam Delgado, went by the name Mirage. She could create illusions and use them to change her appearance. She...she made herself look like Starfire, and she came onto me, and we...and she...we had sex. Kori said I should've known, they  _all_ said I should've known, and they're right, I was stupid, Kori had every right to dump me."

"That wasn't your fault, Dick," Tim says brokenly. "She manipulated you, that  _was not_ your fault."

"It was, it all is. It-"

"No," Jason interrupts firmly. "Listen Dickif  _you_ can't lie right now, remember that  _we_ can't either. We're telling you the honest to god  _truth_ when we say that none of this is your fault! Not Blockbuster's death, not Tarantula and Mirage raping you. God, Dick, why didn't you ever tell us this?"

It's pointless to resist the questions. He's in too deep, can't stop now.

"I knew you'd be disappointed with me. II didn't want to have to see that, have to face it. I didn't want you to confirm what I'd always known, it would hurt too fucking much. I didn't want you to know how weak I was."

"You mean  _me,_ don't you?" Bruce asks quietly. "All of that; you thought I'd be disappointed in you, think you were weak."

"Yes," Dick whispers, and hunches further in on himself. "I'm so sorry, Bruce. I'm so sorry-"

Strong arms wrap around him and Dick freezes, eyes wide. It's Bruce, hugging him tightly against his chest, one hand going up to stroke his hair.

Bruce shushes him. "I'm not disappointed in you, Dick," he says. "You have survived so much pain, and I absolutely do  _not_ think you're weak. In fact, I think you are so incredibly _strong._ You didn't deserve  _any_ of what happened to you."

"I'm so sorry," Dick says again, because he doesn't know what else to say. Tears are stinging his eyes. "I'm so-"

Bruce shushes him again and hugs him tighter. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm so proud of you."

It's so rare for Bruce to show affection this openly, and that has to mean  _something,_ doesn't it? The fact that Bruce is holding him and saying things that he can't possibly lie about, saying things he has to believe 100%...

Dick doesn't believe Bruce and Jason and Tim quite yet, but knowing that  _they_ believe it, that they have his back no matter what, that they're here for himwell, it makes the burden a little bit easier to bear.

So Dick buries his face in his father's shoulder and cries, letting himself be comforted for the first time in a _very_ long time.

**Author's Note:**

> So I know Damian wasn't around when this all went down, and Jason was only freshly back and all angry, but I really wanted to include them, so I did.
> 
> Hope you liked the fic :)


End file.
